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My Story

I am 32 years young. I have a 13 year old, Graham, and a 10 year old, Pie. (hehe I have a ten year old pie).. In November of 2010, I found text messages to a female my husband worked with and I spiraled from there. He said just a friend, and I said fine, dont stop texting her and let me read.. She never texted him again… I believed him, sort of, basically I hurt in silence and bogged my plate down with volunteering and my children, making sure I was never home alone so the depression wouldn’t eat me alive… Fast forward to April 2012. We had just celebrated 10 years in March, with nothing. He bought me diamond earrings on credit.. I just wanted a trip, just me and him, husband and wife, not mom and dad. April comes and he disappears while I take our daughter to the doctor. Everything spiraled out of control after this. I was angry at first, sure he was having an affair.. By May, I would beg him to stay home with me before the kids were out for the summer. Nothing. All my efforts were futile. I became immensely depressed, and angry and suicidal. Alone. Married with two kids and never felt so alone.
On Christmas Night 2012, my husband was taking a little too long to walk the dog. I was lying in bed waiting for him to come play a game we had just recieved for Christmas. I hacked his email as I waited. I read would be the end of me. His whore telling him I love you, him telling her he loves her. Her thanking him for the Christmas gifts.. *my heart is breaking as I type this*

So about two weeks later I started to blog. I needed to vent, I needed to talk about it and I cant talk to “friends” because they’ll just gossip. People judge me for choosing to stay. I can feel that from the people I did trust enough to tell about my husbands indiscretions.

My husband had what he says is an 8 month long affair. I read every email I could find after I found the new email he had opened under his middle name. My husband was leaving me and our kids, for her. Until I took his keys and begged.

So Here I am… Broken, shattered and alone still, and yes married with two kids…

Read my story from the beginning if you want to hear about my heartache, or if you want to feel less alone in your own pain. I found all kinds of very supportive people on here, and I look forward to these strangers thoughts.. Strangers that know more about me than the people I physically know that know nothing of my pain or whats hidden behind my forced smiles.

I died Christmas 2012.. The me I thought I was. The marriage I thought I had. Gone. Im working on recovering from this, still undecided if I can ever forgive for this ultimate betrayal. For better or worse… til death do us part.. I guess I should’ve asked the judge to be more specific with the word “worse”..

  1. Dear betrayed, I just read your story, my heart breaks for you. I just found out 6 months ago my husband of 47 years had a15 month affair with a woman he met on line. An emotional affair that turned physical. Thanks to his computer I got to read all the romantic things he said to her that he never said to me in all the years we have been married. I like you am in so much pain it eats me alive every waking moment. One minute I am screaming at him to get out, the next minute I think maybe we can work thru this. Then the merry go round starts all over again. Most days I don’t care whether I wake up or not. As you can see by the amount of time we have been married we are grandparents, so I hate to tell you I guess they never learn to keep it in their pants, no matter how old they get to be. I hope our pain at least eases as time goes by that’s about all I can hope for right now. Take care, I will be thinking of you as we both go thru this nightmare. broken joan

    • wow. i am so sorry for your pain. I know exactly where you are and I hate that for both of us. Who wouldve ever thought there could be a pain so awful that can live inside us. I describe it to my husband as this thing that lives inside me. I am forever changed. whether we survive this together or we seperate I will never be who I was.
      ((hugs)) to you.. I hope you and I and anyone else on the recieving end of a cheating spouse can find peace again.

  2. Dear betrayed, I felt so happy when I saw your response to me. I do sometimes wonder why any of us try when even the ones who stay together say that things are never the same, as if they ever could be. I know I am like you forever changed, when I am around my family I try to smile and pretend I am trying to go on so they won’t worry but my heart aches everyday because my feelings for my husband will never be the same. I am so confused I don’t know what I am going to do. Thanks to the selfishness of my husband he destroyed our family as we knew it, our kids have lost respect for him, but tolerate him because he’s their dad. He said all he was thinking about was himself. She told him all the things he wanted to hear and built up his already inflated ego. I get so sick even looking at him sometimes thinking of the things they did and said to each other. And I just keep digging, I can’t stop myself, it has turned into an obsession. I feel as though I am literally going crazy. I have lost 30 lbs. I only weigh about a 100 lbs. now, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I am on anti-depressants, and the only sleep I get is by taking sleeping pills. The nights are so long when you just sit and think about your husband with another woman. He keeps telling me he loves me and I keep reminding him that 6 months ago he was saying the same thing to his girlfriend. He’s like all the others they don’t know why they did it, they don’t know why they said the things they said. I get so sick hearing that.
    He told me one day he never planned for it to happen, it was just an accident and I told him you don’t accidentally fall into another woman’s vagina. It clearly is a choice that a cheater makes.
    Thank you for listening, I feel we are all friends now, my heart goes out to anyone going thru this.
    A big hug from broken joan

    • confusion is a big part of me now. How can I love a man who hurt me so bad? How can I WANT him still knowing he left my bed? I question every part of my marriage from day one. A day after d-day I called his close friend,his roomate when we met, and cried asking him if my husband was always a cheater, did I miss something? Was I wrong about him 10 years ago?? Confusion and hating myself for feeling so pathetic for wanting him still,, wanting him to make this right, to defy the universe and turn back time and stop it before it happens.. Be the superman you were giving her, be him for me, and turn back time to save your wife before you destroy her very existance, her reality, her self.. I tell my husband the same when he says he loves me, he said that while “loving” someone else..I scream at him when he just says “luv u” and leaves because she got “i love you booboo”.. a pet name and all three words and I get a shortend version of my name with a casual luv ya..I tell him those are just words!! I NEED the actions to prove them.
      6 months must feel like a lifetime in this pain because Im only three months in and it is unbearable now..
      Be strong for yourself. As weak as you may feel you are still there suffering and going thru this and because you are surviving you have strength. I have not read your blog because I will feel your pain as my own and I will ache and cry and hurt not just for me but for you. If you have chosen to stay and stick this out, I have no advice other than to not let the weakest moments of the day eat you alive. Nights are awful for me too. The silence is killer and watching him sleep with no problem, no guilt keeping him up, kills me and rips my heart out as I toss n turn waiting for the exhaustion to kick in and I pass out..
      It amazes how different our lives are and yet how similiar the pain we feel is. Have you read my “why I stay” post, I like that one, I even read it to my husband as tears streamed down my face. (He said that was moving.. haha right?? not the response I wanted but whatever) Maybe dont read all my blogs because most are of hurt not hope. My other favorite of mine “Cheers to the Other Woman”..
      I love getting comments and “talking” with others in this new cyber friend world. You have a friend here.. we can share our pain and hope…

  3. Dear betrayed, yes 6 months does seem like a lifetime, I to am confused and don’t know what to do. He knows I still love him and he tells me he loves me and only me but he also told her that. I made him move out for awhile, only a month, because he checked into the hospital and told them he was going to kill himself, so I took him back in December. I broke down today, yet again and told him I can’t take him back. Nothing will ever be, the same again, he was such a fool to take the chance of losing his entire family for a piece of ass. But he said at the time that was all he was thinking about and not what it would do to me because he said he thought he would never get caught! I wish I could help you, but this is the only way I know how, so I reach out to you a hand of friendship and a heart that knows all to well what you are going thru. It also helps me to read whatever words of encouragement I get from you. Thank you for being a friend. Talk to me anytime. broken joan

    • I went thru yesterday with you on my mind.. I wanted to come up with some great words for you. I am curious as to why you kicked him out. I mean obviously right, but in this you are suffering. I am suffering because my husband cheated on me and I love him to death. If I didnt, then this wouldnt hurt as much as it does. So, you are hurting and I think thats because you love him. I am so confused right now, I love a man who disrespected me, bettayed me, lied to me daily, left me bed, bought her a ring, wanted to leave me and my kids telling me I am stronger than this, I am the strong one he could leave and I could sleep alone and SHE couldnt.. I get your confusion, HOW can I love this awful person!?!? If I didnt, if you didnt, it wouldnt hurt so much.. I am not saying keep him or divorce him, just with me, I love him and until I figure my out of the confusion I shouldnt make such a drastic decision. It sounds like your husband may be trying. Quite possibly, he could be remorseful, a quality I still dont see in my husband. So I ask again why did you kick him out? Are you comforted without him in your home? As much as i hate my husband right now, I am comforted that he is in my house and sleeps in my bed. I have found that I have to give myself permission to let him comfort me. Usually at nite now, I’ll wAke him up at some duranged hour and he’ll reach an arm out, no words, and I will curl into him.. And maybe for only three minutes I will give my permission to accept his comfort, his hold, his warmth and his heart beat in my ear. I will lay there until the anger and confusion start and then i’ll pull away.. Ive done a lot of reading (thru cyberfriend suggestions) on affair fog, gas lighting, and one post on pride, and types of men (mine a saviour complex because all his girls seem to be needy, i was when we met, his girlfriend before me a single mom, me, and then his whore was a single mom)… Do some research, especially the affair fog. I am not condoning what our husbands did, but I needed to know.. know something anything that might make sense of all this, and affair fog, in short, gives them a high equavalent to doing drugs. It turns into addiction. Again I dont excuse it, but I needed to know things.
      Cyberfriends have said to not make any life changing decisions until atleast six months after dday. And you are there, but timing is different for everyone. You have had a long marriage and therefore you may need more time than six months.. Get him a book– how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald– My hubby read it in a few hours. He didnt totally change but I do see a small change in his acceptance of my pain and how he attempts to console me now, nothing big but very subtle..

      When I read about pride, (i will look for the link for you) it was eye opening on my part. He bruised my pride. He embarrased me and my closest friends and parents know, like your adult children. Dont let your pride take over you or your marriage or how you proceed.
      And most of all, do not let anyones opinion weigh in on your. If you want your husband, then go thru this pain WITH him, and the way I see it, my husband should see me go thru it so he can see what he did. Your children mean well but Im sure you hear alot of “you should leave him” and “im so sorry” because I hear that alot. You need someone you can hate your husband with and vent, but them not tell you to stay or go because I feel like I dont need their OPINION in the back of my mind and neither do you. Vent away.. Talk about it. Apparently counseling is great, couples and alone, I cannot afford it, but do research for a good fit..
      Im scared you are letting everyone else and your pride make your decision on your marriage. Be sure it is you and solely you in your heart that wants your marriage over. my head screams to leAve my husband while my heart aches for him. I think I owe it to myself to wait to see when they agree and so should you..

  4. brokenjoan permalink

    Dear betrayed, I have not actually made him leave the house since December, but I do get upset and threaten him with it sometimes, mostly when I start thinking about the way he treated her. He even bought her flowers for her birthday and for valentines day during the year he was with her,he bought me nothing. He even bought her a necklace, the key to his heart UGH! Sometimes I feel like ripping his actual fucking heart out and sending her that!
    I am still very angry, I think the very reason that we have been married so long makes it worse, I just didn’t think at his age that he would do something like that. He had moved out of our bedroom during that time and told me it was because he stayed up so late it would disturb me, it was actually because he was online with her until 3:30 in the morning talking and having webcam sex, which I had no idea actual people did that, I thought only porn stars did that. I was so naive about everything, that’s why he got away with it for so long. I don’t know if I will ever be able to move pass this, maybe pride is a factor, biut I feel my whole life has been taken away from me so I guess I am holding on to anything I have left, even if it is wrong to do so. They say pride goeth before a fall, we’ll I feel like I’ve already fallen as far as any human can, so screw it. What gave him and his whore the right to decide to ruin an entire family. Yes, now he seems to be remorseful, yes now he says he is sorry, yes now he says he feels so guilty, but where was all those feelings when he was with his girlfriend. By the way she knew he was married, and she didn’t care about ruining a family. What kind of a woman does that?
    As for counseling he has been going, I don’t trust anyone who has not gone thru this,what do they know, I can’t even describe the kind of misery I am going thru, just because they went to school doesn’t give them any insight into what I am feeling, unless their husband cheated and lied to them for over a year. He was always so conservative with money, but not when it came to her and he was never one to say romantic things, so if I had not read the things he said to her I would not have believed it.
    I like you still love my husband, or he wouldn’t still be in this house and I may sound like a cold hearted bitch right now and maybe I am at this moment in time, oh but I wasn’t before, him and his whore made me this way and I don’t know how to get me back. I can’t even enjoy the smallest things now, not even the time with my grandchildren, I just try to smile and pretend everything is okay, when I know it will never be okay.
    I was telling a friend the other day, I have used up every dirty word I didn’t even know I knew and made up a few for good measure.
    Yesterday was fairly ok, we even made love and I snuggled in his arms later and watched tv. But every time we do I wonder what he did to her when they were together in the hotel room. So today has been a day of me screaming at him and telling him to go find an apartment to move into. My emotions are so all over the place I don’t know from one minute to the next what I am going to say or do. If things don’t change I know we can’t live like this but for that to happen I have to try and accept that my husband thought at one time he was in love with another woman. He says I only thought that -it wasn’t real,- but at the time he was thinking it that seems real to me.
    Thanks again for letting me vent, it does help but you’re going thru the same thing and I can’t help you or anyone else. It all seems so hopeless. Your friend, broken joan

    • hey joan.. just checking in on u.. im falling apart and staying strong if that makes any sense at all.. i hope ur okay.. well as okay as one can be anyways

  5. Dear betrayed, thanks for checking in. Yes that makes sense, I feel the same way. Since we mutually decided for him to move out for awhile, I am torn yet again with every decision I make, nothing I do seems to be the right thing to do at any given time. We just thought being together everyday wasn’t moving us forward, but I don’t know if being apart is the right answer either.
    I wonder when or even if the day ever comes when you wake up one day and say, finally I know what I need to do and I’m going to do it with no regrets. Do you think the BS ever has a moment of clarity like that? I truly hope so for me, you, and everyone else, who thru no fault of their own, was dropped onto this road of hell, that seems to have no end in sight! Keep strong, stay in touch. Love and a big cyber hug from brokenjoan

  6. Brokenjoan sends love and a hug to all of you on these blogs, I can’t thank all of you who have responded to me enough, sometimes without all of your support I would still be on the floor crying and thinking I don’t have the strength to get up nor do I want to. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you, may you find a little more peace each day, may your husbands never forget how they hurt the wonderful women they married, and last but not least, may karma visit each of the other women and give them each what they so richly deserve, or at least a raging case of herpes.
    Until next time, xoxo from brokenjoan

    PS:smile for the day- I told my husband if he was on fire I wouldn’t piss on him to put the fire out!!!

  7. Hey betrayed2012, just checking in, hope things are no worse than usual, that’s what I usually aim for. I feel ok right now. I now have 2 men in my life that make me feel better, Ben & Jerry. I just ate an entire pint, and maybe it’s just the sugar rush,but I feel as though I can kick ass right now!
    Keep in touch, hugs brokenjoan

    • oh joan.. anger drives me now.. no actually things are not worse, they kind of break even i suppose because things are changing here.. hes not acting sorry or anything but i think im finally grasping what i need and want and putting my foot down with him and my life. i think he understands now i will never cry or beg him to stay again. him leaving now would not break me..
      i worry for you.. a stranger and yet a cyber friend who knows more of me than my own closest friends…
      ben n jerry are nice, but once i got a job and started getting out i felt better.. i hurt at home now in the solace of my bed or bath. i took up reading again..
      stop giving away ur happy.. he doesnt get to have it anymore until u want him too.. but SHE cannot have it! you think shes crying alone eating a whole thing of ben n jerrys?? nope, HER life didnt change, YOURS DID, (and mine).. so why does the whore get to wake up and have a nice fucking day while we get no sleep and cry our eyes out?? Stop giving away ur happy.. take baby steps, i did.. small windows where i said im going to enjoy a tv show or a movie or even a book or im taking my kids for ice cream and laughing, he is not invited, he cannot have me happy yet, he doesnt deserve my best,– then progress to a fun lunch with a girl friend or anyone who doesnt know so u wont be asked about “how are u” or other stupid questions! ( stupid because hello obviously your/ im hurting my worlds been flipped upside down and all i want is a nice time with a friend!) my anger carries me, not the best way to live but right now it gets me outta bed. find whats going to give u a good happy day. dont cling to ur grandkids or kids, find what makes YOU happy, even if only for an hour.. and do that! my baths soothe me, so i take like 4 a day.. but relaxing and then i can feel better.. get out of that house joan!! 🙂 we are strong women! if we werent this awful thing wouldve killed us, but didnt, we are strong, physically and mentally and emotionally! turn the radio full blast and sing ur favorite “i hate him” song or whatever pumps u up..

      okay i know im all over the place in this response, but i hope u grasped the gist of where i was attempting to go! take that sugar high and conquer today!

  8. Dear betrayed2012, I do understand what you are trying to tell me, thank you so much for caring. It’s like you knew, and you do, that most days I am lying in bed, for the last two nights I have been up most of the night then I sleep half the day away, then the whole routine starts all over again.
    And yes I have even brought it up to hubby that while my life is literally falling apart, his whore has lost no sleep over any of this and probably already moved on to her next victim. She clearly used him to boost her own sagging ego, she loved all the attention, as did he!
    I actually went to my little grandsons’ b-ball game last night, my husband was there, but we barely spoke. It’s like you know,I have to actually force myself to go anywhere, and then I don’t enjoy anything like I use to. Do you think we ever will? Are other BS right, will time heal and make a difference? I am so sick of just existing, I so want back the life I had before this, at least I thought it was good, obviously he didn’t. But then again he tells me it was, it was how he was feeling at the time that made him make the decision that will forever fuck up the rest of our lives! What an utterly weak SOB,I am married to and I always thought he was so strong, but I guess pussy makes a man weak, no matter how old he is. She led him around like a whipped dog and he let her do it.
    You are right about us being stronger than we think we are, at least I’m not the sobbing crumpled heap on the floor I was 7 months ago. I like you,am in the stage where anger drives me,in what direction I don’t know, somebody I don’t know is in that drivers seat, a woman who is forever changed. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a road to self-destruction, I see it, but I can’t stop it.
    Thank you for worrying about me, but I worry more about you, you are still young, all the years ahead of you to try and make sense of this, he had no right to decide to rob you of your happiness, it was yours, not his. I told my husband what gave him the right to take a chance on ruining the lives of his entire family just so he could have a few months of sex with a whore! Nothing gave him the right, or your husband the right to choose a course of events that would forever change so many lives.
    Well thanks for hanging in there with me, now I’m going to take your advice, get my ass, ( which still looks good for my age) LOL, out of this bed, crank up my Bose, go thru my list of newly acquired “somebody done somebody wrong songs” and dance that pint of Ben&Jerrys’ right off my perky little ass!!! Thank you my friend you have made my day! Love and hugs from brokenjoan

  9. P.S. I especially like Carrie Underwoods’ ” Two Black Cadillacs”, if you haven’t heard it, you should, as a matter of fact if more husbands listened to that song there might be less cheating!!! Just a thought from my newly acquired train of thoughts. LOL

  10. Hey betrayed, just checking in how are you? I think everyone has retreated to their on corner of misery and in hiding because I never hear from regulars anymore. Please let me know how you are doing. Your friend, brokenjoan

    • just angry all the time.. thats the new me.. working a whole bunch, barely see my kiddos anymore (13 and 10 years old, such impressionable ages and both parents are either working or arguing)… i asked him to call into work today and stay with me.. lets just say i woke up alone. i want to leave him i think, but i dont want to move into my parents. I keep trying to save money from my checks but while im making decent hourly cash after taxes and insurAnce my take home sucks.. he holds me every night as i cry myself to sleep, but thats it.. nothing during the day maybe two or three i love u texts but after i saw how many times he called her three texts isnt cutting it.. im just angry and hurt… I can be a small semblance of me when im at work, but having the confidence of a good manager has been tough. Its hard to be in charge when im this crushed. When i hang on to the hate and anger I feel stronger… Letting the hurt and crying and pain in, just tears me down again. He doesnt get That I have to live like it was yesterday.. I dont want to, i dont like it, its just the way it is for me and hes not helping.
      Today, while i lied in bed and asked him to stay with me as rain poured outside (hes a valet on the weekends so it was gonna be a crap day so stay home)) anyways i asked him calmly and nicely to call in and stay with me, he said no and tears started and all he said was im sorry i love u i have to go… funny cause thats what he said when he was fucking his whore..
      so today let me know that after everything, Im still not a priority.

      How are you? I wanted to check in but I try to move on during the day without him. We really never see each other. And if your having a nice time, why remind you that your hurting.. I’ll check in with u more often.. promise..
      I hope ur trip has been okay and given u time to think and even brings happy moments..
      I saw today that ABC is gonna have a show next season– mistresses— i was like really?? Infidelity is already a huge problem so let glamorize it?? you know whoever made the show has never felt the pain we are dealing with…

  11. Dear betrayed, So so glad to hear from you, I guess I knew things were not any better, I just wanted
    to check in. I feel the same way you do I am afraid to check in sometimes in case
    things are improved I certainly don’t want to be a downer, and no like you, I am not
    having a good time. As a matter of fact things are about as bad as they ever were.
    I am currently not even in our home state, I am visiting with my youngest son, his
    wife and our new little granddaughter. I plan on staying the entire summer with
    them. He moved back into our house to take care of our 3 dogs and cat, after that
    I truly don’t know what I am going to do, he seems remorseful, begs me everyday to
    take him back, says he never really loved her that it was just for the sex, yada yada
    yada, you know the drill by now, I am sure your husband and every cheating man
    out there is telling their wife the same old shit!
    I truly am as confused as I was 8 months ago, I don’t know what I am going to do.
    I still love him and he knows it so that puts me at a disadvantage. I am scared to
    take a big step like separation, but it seems like nothing is any better than it was 8
    months ago, and if isn’t any better how long do you stay to see when or if things do
    get better.
    I get angry everyday thinking about that bitch, how she deliberately went after a
    married man and how she has more than likely moved on to her next victim, it was
    all fun and games to her, she wasn’t married, my life is ruined and she has no fall
    out from any of this, she is a mother herself what kind of person doesn’t care that
    she is destroying a family. A narcissistic whore, thinking only of herself just like my
    cheating husband. Thanks for letting me rant, I hope it didn’t bring you down even
    Yes, I did see the ad for that new show mistresses, I thought just what I need a new
    trigger, don’t think I will be tuning in, unless the wives all get revenge on the first
    episode. LOL
    Hang in there, keep in touch, how much worse could things get, oh my, did I just say
    that, strike that, I don’t want to tempt fate or whatever. A big cyber hug from your
    friend, brokenjoan

    • hugs to u too… i usually yell about fairness.. why do i have to suffer until things start to maybe get better?? ugh…
      i must say tho, ur hubby “begging”, mine doesnt and doesnt even say the things yours does.. Maybe a vacation for the two of? meet somewhere far away from ur house and all ur regular routines and maybe a new environment will let u see what it is u might want.. just an idea.

      my husband never chooses me nor does he blow my phone up.. none of this is fair, but if u have a chance of happiness left with the man u love i say go away from all ur triggers.. tell him to even buy new clothes and shoes for the trip.. no triggers and everything u do is new.. new restauraunts… nothing routine.not even the time u sleep or side of the bed. might help with the triggers.. idk, its worth a shot..
      good luck.. i hope all the best for u

  12. Thank you for the ideas, I will try anything. I do love him and have since I was 17 years old, but I don’t know if that is enough anymore. He said he always loved me but that didn’t stop him from having an affair. I guess I read too many fairy tales growing up, I found out, at least for me I don’t think there will be a happily ever after. I don’t think I can get past this. Take care. brokenjoan

    • hey joan… its been awhile.. i hope all is well. I think of you sometimes and hope you are okay with your family.. You, a person Ive never met or will never see but we share a pain beyond anything Ive ever felt, and because of that I worry for a stranger.. I hope things have become a little easier for you no matter what you decided.

  13. Shanikwa permalink

    I caught my husband with a nasty whore name Yolanda Gray in our home with her mouth somewhere it didn’t belong. She threaten to call the cops on me if i told her husband. Something is wrong with the bitch to think the cops will arrest me for telling her husband.

    • Well On the upside, you did not rip either one apart and get yourself arrested. Way to keep your cool.. And I would tell her husband. She should have consequences

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