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He say’s he loves me..

March 8, 2017

He texts me he loves me. He writes it on post its. I reply- if this is how you love, then I dont want it..My hearts been broken and rebroken and rebroken for five years now.. five… At some point I have to walk away. Saying you love me and treating me like you love me are two different things.. Words are just letters put together to make sounds, they mean nothing when actions dont match.. Maybe my bar is too high, but I know the man I married set that bar high. Why should I lower it now? I wanted so badly for this to work. He doesn’t think I’ll leave him.. When I get my raise, I guess we’ll both see where I stand with my life and how I see my future.. will I brave the divorce trail, or will stay pathetically involved with someone Im not even sure I know anymore? I hope the pay raise boosts my confidence in my efforts to strive to be a better me and gains enough self esteem to help walk away… I need an end to this journey already.. with or without him..

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From → My New Forever

5 Comments
  1. of course he doesnt think you will leave. Then if or when you do – bet he will be shocked – as if no warning at all. Like.. how could u …men…:/ … Wishing you the best

    • Yea I feel like my telling him that I am not happy doesnt even phase him.. I have told him very calmly that I feel like he did the worse thing he could do to me and this marriage, NOT just the affair but the gaslighting and watching me fall apart while he lied daily to me.. He did this and I stayed so I feel like he thinks that since I stayed thru the worse then I wont leave at all but I have just not been happy. The doctor telling me Im suffering from depression and Im having anxiety attacks was my eye opener to all this and myself and my health. I wanna see ky kids get married and play with my grandkids and live a long HAPPY life and loving him is fine, but Im surely accepting that loving him does not mean I have to stay married to him. I feel like I was last choice back then and I havent moved from that slot on his priority list.

      • I understand. I felt that staying was me having no boundaries/self respect. And that made me mad as hell. That there seemed to be few real consequences for appallingly selfish and dangerous behaviour. I had to leave for my own self esteem. I still love him. He still loves me. And he worked hard to show his remorse and how disgusted he was in himself. I just couldn’t get any peace or joy. But knew I was unlikely to either way. In or out. It is hard to make the call and follow through. Wishing you all the best as you make decisions for you xxx

      • thank you.. its always comforting knowing im not alone in all these crazy feelings

  2. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. I went through something very similar. My guess is since you haven’t posted in over a year that its quite possible you have moved on to bigger, better, more beautiful things in life. I hope that you have found respite in all that you have been through, by moving forward with your life to explore the world and all it has to offer.
    I hope these words I created to heal my own wounds might also bring you comfort in knowing that however you may have reacted to gas-lighting, it doesn’t make you a crazy person. Just because he says so or acts like you are. When someone loves you, they will never call you crazy in order to make you doubt your own sanity. They do it so you will have self-doubt and insecurities and therefore be less likely to question anything. In their would nothing means anything and anything could be nothing if your asking, so don’t ask. That’s a hard fact to face, but it is the reality of how the relationship works. It only works if you let them work you over. Let me share his phrase I created it is still very much a part of my healing process everyday to remind me that I never want to be that girl again. “Crazy can not be measured by the level of someone’s reaction to stress, rather it should be measured by their level of tolerance.”

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