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Sssooo Im NOT dying, I know.. I went to the doctor..

November 23, 2016

I thought I was dying.. maybe I have diabetes? or low blood pressure? maybe my heart is giving out on me.. 

I went to the doctor, who by the way, took a month to see me even tho I was convinced my heart was done and not pumping adequately…

I havent said it out loud. I havent told anyone what she said… 

Its been FOUR years since d-day..

 Ive been having these bouts of faintness, nausea, dizzy, like I was gonna die, super thirsty.. and ALL that would help was laying in bed closing my eyes and breathing.. sometimes I pass out, sometimes I just lay there til it passes.. Its happened at work,same symptoms just not soo debilitating, just like i wanted to faint and I need to lay down..
Four years and I finally went to the doctor scared I was gonna need MRI’s, and scans and blood work and she looked at me and said “How long have you been having anxiety attacks?” 

Wait what? Im tough. I made it thru this dammit.. He broke my heart and ripped me to shreds and I held it together.. Right? 

So she said you have anxiety and she asked since when and it all suddenly made sense. And tears streamed down my face as I sat there with a stranger, this doctor, trying to wrap my head around everything she said. I had to tell her why.. 

And then as she asked more questions, I think she insinuated that my husband causes my anxiety.. 

So she explains some more and I ask her “Is the come down from the anxiety, why I can sleep days away? Im just soo tired?”

She looked straight at me and said “You’re depressed.”

I see the commercials on tv and I wonder if maybe thats me or Im just exhausted from a long week.. And no, there she was, telling me as nicely as possible that I need counseling and if I want to try meds for the anxiety to help calm me. (I said no to the meds).

Four years.. And I havent been dying during these bouts of feeling like I was dying, I was having a full blown panic attack. 

And soo Ive spent the day with my kids and my brother laughing til my abs hurt and in the back of mind wondering if I hadnt stayed would this still be me? Am I depressed? It all makes sense.. Have I been denial?? 

So what now? I go to counseling…… and see if I can control this better.. I guess… 
Dont think cheating on a spouse doesnt hurt them. Dont think divorce is normal and everyone walks away fine.. This isnt fine. 

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From → My New Forever

8 Comments
  1. The medication has helped me immensely. No side effects, and enables me to be more productive and effective than without. I’m an artist so was worried about being “numb” but not the case. The effects are subtle and just smooth the rough edges.

    Depression sucks. I was diagnosed when I was 23, chemical, not situational (like the current shit show). So I’ve been on anti ds for 25 yrs. low doses, no big deal. Pregnancies and breast feeding, no post partum due to the meds. I was raised by an unmedicated depressed mother and swore I would not put my kids thru that. She is a very overweight insecure anxious woman who cannot get off the couch. Not fun for me as a kid. I’m not giddy or creepy manic, I’m a proper functioning adult. I feel highs and lows and am so glad I found an effective way to manage it.

    I won’t tell you to reconsider medication, since you may have specific reasons for not taking them, but look into and get more info for yourself. Anxiety is hell. Anxiety attacks are not necessary and are terrifying. Knowing you have tools and power in your arsenal to heal yourself may be the control and empowerment you need. I remember that just asking for help and being told it was depression helped me. Just filling the prescription helped. I view it as I would blood pressure meds. ((Hugs)).

    • Im functioning.. I guess thats why Im being a little stubborn on the meds. I wake up and go to work and have great days.. I took the referral for a counselor to see if I can work thru this. O dont know if I will, but I want to try before I jump to the meds. And, the doctor said all the meds cause weight gain, I cant put myself thru more weight gain, Im doing my best to manage where I am now, and I know I couldnt handle more.
      I will say someone actually saying it outloud that Im depressed and have anxiety actually helped. Like someone finally saw me and Im not crazy. Maybe a counselor can help. And if not, I will ask for the meds.

  2. They do not all cause weight gain – I would stop taking them if they did, im a vain bitch that way. Really, totally vain and a slave to fashion, skinny jeans, and whatever the trends are. I hope you find a spot-on counsellor on your first attempt. Talk therapy is such a good thing. And you’re not crazy, it is validating to have someone tell you that you’re depressed.

    I’m hypersensitive about this. During the affair, my wh threw all my past depression in my face, telling me I was clearly unhinged. I was not, I was being emotionally abused. He told me to get professional help, of course not offering to go with me. I actually had a psych eval at a hospital, which was degrading (until I had the std tests). At the end of all those hours of me being examined mentally, they looked at me and said, “you don’t need a psychiatrist, you need a marriage counsellor.” Ran home, told my husband, and he just shrugged his shoulders. It was so hurtful because he had been my anchor since my diagnosis – he could always tell me I seemed to be slipping into a numb place and would ask if I’d skipped my medicine, and if he could help me feel better. For him to use it against me in order to get more sexy time, and to throw me off the trail I was clearly suspicious of, was incredibly cruel. As a result, I make my mental health a priority more than I did before, without him as my touch stone.

    You can get out of this and feel better. Sounds like since you’re functioning so well, it won’t take much to pull you up. Happy thanksgiving❤️

    • Happy Thanksgiving too!!
      Well I dont know about functioning so well… Im functioning.. My husband was my rock.. And I really relied on him a lot, and I think at some point thru all this I realized he doesnt care about helping me, he just wants to move on like nothing happened and unfortunately I dont work that way.. Our relationship is soo strained. I’ll see the counselor and see what happens. Thank you soo much for commenting. It truely helps and maybe a different doctor will know the meds that wont cause me weight gain. I guess Im “vain”
      too but my mind and self esteem wouldnt survive more weight gain…

  3. Hey betrayedin2012…I’m so glad you got a diagnosis. It must have been really frightening…and keeping silence in your fear…that sucks. So you have made the first, best move – bravo for you! I think your plan sounds good – discover if counseling can help alleviate your anxiety and depression. There are some amazing therapies now to help us deal with traumatic areas in our lives (EMDR, CBT, mindfulness training…and more!) Medication therapy can be really important, too. Lemondrop is a fabulous example of well-balanced drug-therapy…I love how she doesn’t feel numb and identifies the things that are important which she is not willing to sacrifice (her creativity, weight-gain!!) For me, writing has been an important outlet. For the first year and 1/2, I wrote privately…journaled thousands and thousands of pages. Then I started sharing on a blog here, and the support and encouragement from this amazing group of bloggers has been astounding. So yay you for taking the first steps, and we will encourage you on your journey to healing!! HUGS, and Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. Nice to hear from you – and better yet, you are alive and still married. The fucked up part is its been four years for you and yet, you are still dealing with the after-math of your husbands short-comings (to put it nicely). When I found out about my husbands affair in 2014, but his affair actually took place in 2012, I found your blog with many similarities as mine. Same ages and a lot of the same ol shit. I don’t know, I was just hoping you found that magic wand and the answers on how you forgave your husband and moved on to a good place and remained married…doesn’t sound like you have tho…I am sorry. Inhale – exhale girrrlfriend – at least you are breathing 🙂 Hope you have a happy thanksgiving!

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