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Its been awhile…

June 14, 2016

Well, I am at about 3 and a half years since D-day..

It has been one heck of an internal journey. It’s still a daily fight in my head over loving the man that I hate.

Some days are easier to love him. Some days are better if I stay away. I have a thousand times more self control than from d-day.

He recieved mail the other day, priority shipping.. A tiny envelope, addressed to him.. I put it down for a few minutes. He was at work.. And then I opened it.

It was a passport. His passport. He knows I refuse to fly out of country. He knows I want nothing to do with our airport because that whore still works there. Her life unchanged unscathed unshattered, happily going about her life. No. I want nothing to do with it, and yet he got a passport.. Now, the passport doesnt really bother me, nor the traveling, because as all this has brought out is I truely have no control over my marriage or husband. I can only control my part and if he’s going to cheat again there is nothing I can do to prevent that.

What bothered me, what bothers me, is he didnt tell me. Work made him, and yes I believe that part. But, the not telling me bothers me.

I am a huge advocate now of – if you can lie about the little things, than lying about big things is not a big deal still..

He says he forgot and maybe thats true. Maybe he knew the airport conversation would upset me. Maybe he wanted to spare me.. But if that were ever true he shouldnt have fucked a whore, huh?..

Have a good night, whoever takes the time to read about me. I hope on some weird level I can bring some solace to someone out there, because we are not alone in this horrible pain.

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From → My New Forever

9 Comments
  1. I feel what you are feeling in my gut and in my throat. I am not with my ex but the pain is still there. i can’t imagine what it would have been like to stay in the marriage. I know my mind would be going to the exact same places that your mind goes. I hate this. It isn’t easy staying and there are a whole different set of battles splitting. The emotional pain of betrayal and the after math remains regardless. Yuck!

  2. LAA - Life After Adultery. permalink

    It is almost as bad as lying when they decide not tell you something because of their perceived repercussions. My husband was taught as a child it is better to stay silent than be honest. His family still do it and they think it is normal.
    Stay strong xxxx

  3. he wouldn’t have to go to the airport to get a passport – is it just that the passport means he will be flying out of the airport?

  4. CMR permalink

    Hi Betrayedin2012,

    I just read some random posts on your blog. Thank you for sharing. I am 6 months away from his physical affair and a year and a half away from a short emotional affair.

    What I can tell from your posts are that you are not moving forward. This is not because of you. This is because he hasn’t done the things necessary for you to move forward. Those are his actions. Trust his actions.

    As someone who’s stayed, I understand the feeling that maybe it’s too late to throw them out because it was, after all, a deal breaker. This isn’t reality, though. It’s not too late to change your mind about that. If he won’t move out to give you space, you could move out of the bedroom. You can contact a lawyer (someone who will consult with you for free) and see what your options are and what you’d be looking at in a divorce. In short, you can start moving forward for you and the kids.

    But, I would say to do it ethically. Staying in a marriage where you feel the passion has died and you’re dissatisfied is a recipe for an affair of your own. The only component missing is someone who’s willing to do that with you who makes you feel good about things. But, I think you’d lose more of yourself that way. I’m not saying that you’d actually do this — I don’t know you. I just know that it’s easier to justify it to yourself when your partner has already done it to you.

    I know the feeling of just going through day-to-day waiting for feelings to reemerge. Like they’re magical somehow and that they could come back at any time. You have to choose them. You have to choose him. Would you choose him, now? It’s nothing against you to say that you wouldn’t.

    I sometimes feel that we who are with remorseful cheaters that want to make things work are in a special kind of hell. Sure, we weren’t abandoned for someone else, but we have to look at them every day and wonder how they were capable of doing this to us. We have to wonder why they want us now and were willing to do just about anything to destroy it before. The best we can hope for is that they become someone who’s honest and treats us with respect — someone we can respect again in return. If that doesn’t happen, then we are stuck with the same jerk who was willing to throw us under the bus when things weren’t all peachy for them.

    Anyway, thanks again for your blog and keep moving forward for yourself.

  5. My heart aches for you. What I dont understand is why your husband is not making more of an effort. He read the book about how to help you get over his betrayal…right? So he KNOWS what to do. He just isnt doing It. He must be a selfish ass. Well, you have to be one if you lie and cheat. Is he worth it? Only you know. Cheaters can change but it takes alot of motivation, introspection, and work on his part. Most of them dont change. Dont waste the best years on your life on crud. If he reads this: hey asshole! Whats wrong with you? Youre the one who cheated and lied so youre the one who needs to do whats necessary to fix this! How can I get through to you? I hope you speak english because I dont speak dick. Did you read the book? Do you need one with pictures?

    • HAHAHAHA you said did he need pictures… Thats just hilarious…
      I am currently in my marriage,yes, but I am seriously focused on myself and my children. I have gotten an even better job and applied to go back to school for my masters degree.. Im feeling better about myself everyday and my moments of hurt are less and less…
      I look back now a lot and wonder if I knew then what I know now if I wouldve fought soo hard for him, and I dont think I would have. My family was always my number one priority and I dont know where the mess up happened and the downward spiral started for him to do what he did… And, all I can do now is decide if the him he is now is worth the rest of my life or not. When and if I do decide to walk away though, I will be able to do so knowing I tried..

      (And no He doesnt have access to this. I never told him my page name.. This is my solace.. My voice where I can feel free to share my hurt and not hear his excuses or anything for that matter..)

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