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Follow up to: Today will be a good day

April 1, 2013

So, it wasn’t a bad day. Sex in the morning has always been something I loved. I got up and we went to breakfast.. Now, two things about breakfast. One, I cannot ride in a car with him. There is just something about that, and I cant. We take two cars everywhere ( and this has been going on over a month now) and I got into the car that day with him, panic and anxiety and fear and hate consumed my insides (as they do now just thinking of getting into the car with him).. I pushed the feelings back.. We ate.. So heres two.. I don’t eat with him. I cant. Its a slap in the face because I know he sat with her and paid for her ( I can feel the anxiety starting in my chest now),, We then went to the game store and bought a video game that just came out that we had (before affair) been looking forward to, and had I not found out, he would be having an affair and playing this game with me.. So we played… and then did kid pickups, and went to the movies.. By the time we had got home around 630, I was furious and hurting. My usual reaction would have been yelling and screaming and even attacking him, but instead I quietly went upstairs and sat silently in bed, contemplating the day and what I am going thru. He came up like all is normal and he never hurt me.. I proceeded to tell him that I am hurting like no other. I didn’t say anything when I initiated the sex in the morning…. I didn’t say anything when he didn’t willingly kiss me during.. I got into the car and not once did he reach for me or have kind words knowing I was hurting.. I ignored that we had little to no conversation at breakfast. And, then, by the time the game came around all the talking was smack talking or just game talk.. Going to the movies with the kids, he not once reached for me or held my hand… (we drove there in separate cars).. So, from my understanding, the only way my life can come back is if I eat allllllllll the shit he handed me, I need to eat it and deal with it alone. Because he is not seeing what I am going thru. I lost EVERYTHING. Trust, self respect, dignity, values and morals, and even my perception of my reality, He has torn me down to the barest of bare and all I got from him was a nice day BECAUSE I didn’t require anything of him. Every time I hurt or my mind screamed at me and his movie with her played in my head, I ate it.. And because I did we had a decent day.. BUT, that is not the life I want.. She never had to remind him to kiss her bye, Im sure of it.. She never had to ask him to tell her he loves her… 

What the hell am I doing?!?!

The next day, I woke up and got outta bed, not waiting for him. Because I knew if I waited for him hoping for a morning kiss, or an I love you, or sex, I knew nothing was going to happen, so why bother waiting..

We played the video game until he had to go to work.. And again, he left, I had to remind him to wear his ring and tell me loves me and blah blah blah….

So, in conclusion, yes I can have my life back, a fake version of it.. If I can chew up and swallow the shit he fed me for 8 months. If I drop it and pretend it never happened then I can I can have a pretend marriage waiting for him to do it again. Because if we don’t fix whatever was broke, it WILL happen again, whether for real or just in my head, his affair will haunt me. He doesn’t hurt when I hurt, He doesn’t reach for me when Im crying.

I don’t cry as much anymore. He was right about one thing, I am the strong one. I am stronger than this.. As I cried and begged him to stay with me and his kids he said I was stronger than this, than begging.. I am. I will not beg again. I have not yelled for him to leave in like 3 days. I think more because I know now I will not beg him to stay. He can go, with all his clothes still in his trunk. He can go.

It has been a good few days though.. But again, I see that those days will only happen if I don’t expect anything from him. He wants a friend not a wife.. atleast not with me. I think that is the truth that is sinking in.

I got a job. I interviewed for it on the 20th, yup, my 11yr anniversary, I applied and interviewed for a part time job.. I just got hired yesterday as a full time assistant manager.. My kids and I will have insurance again soon. I am hoping for the ability to pay my mortgage seeing as how we missed it this month.. But, I do not think I can work and keep him here. It will be another slap in the face to me.. He has an affair I cry for months becoming suicidal.. He has an affair and falls in love.. I cry every day asking him whats going on,,, He has an affair and loses his job and cant take care of his family because he was having an affair.. I STEP UP AND CLEAN UP THE MESS HE MADE? ( I just huffed and shook my head while typing that) NO… I WILL NOT.. I CAN NOT… He is not remorseful. His marriage is not a priority. And NOW I HAVE TO WORK A FULL TIME JOB BECAUSE HE COULDNT KEEP HIS DICK IN HIS PANTS?!?!?!How is that fair? How will I be able to look at him, when I miss something of my kids, like a sporting event, or they cant go to practice because BOTH parents are working because dad lost his bad ass job because he was being selfish and leaving us…. If I have to work and he is not providing me with anything, not even emotional support, why stay????????????

I am so confused and angry and hurting.. All I learned from the good day, was if I want that, I have to not notice that we don’t talk while we eat, he doesn’t reach for me when I cry, he wont text me thru out the day saying he loves me…. I have to pretend it never happened.. And Im scared I will. Im scared we wont fix this, and he wont have to put any work into his marriage, and I will lose myself in work and volunteering and the kids, and BAM this fucked up marriage will get thrown to the wind, nothing to stop the next whore who comes along willing to spread her whore legs. And I don’t need to live waiting for the next whore he cant refuse. I love him. But I deserve a man that can at least attempt to make up for such a horrid thing. I feel like, He already did the most horrible thing he could ever do to me.. and I stayed, I begged him, so I think he knows I’ll stay thru that so Im not going anywhere, so he doesn’t have to do anything but wait this out until I forget or the anger subsides and I just go numb to all..

From → My New Forever

13 Comments
  1. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    1) –>Because if we don’t fix whatever was broke, it WILL happen again.<– –BI2012
    Maybe U should reblog this post to..

  2. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    2) the survey I recommended to You (& H) on yr previous post, b/c perhaps you can get some advice & coping tools from…

  3. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    3) that site THAT WILL ACTUALLY HELP YOU. It seems you’ve rec’d no HELPFUL advice & coping/healing tools here on your…

  4. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    4) blog (including my comments/suggestions), & it breaks my heart. You’re suffering ALONE, & H is drifting aimlessly…

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    5) along, while your UNDERSTANDAALE pain, resentment & devastation are intensifying. I’m sorry I & other rdrs of your..

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    6) blog haven’t helped you like we tried to do. I pray that You & H will receive the help, counseling & coping/healing

  7. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    7) tools you two so desperately need!

    Love,
    1981

  8. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    BI2012 here’s another one that U can relate to SOME of http://www.huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/03/30/a-glance-backward-part-two

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    ONLY if U feel like it, pls comment to: http://www.bubsyd.wordpress.com/2013/03/31/and-finally (Mrs B’s post re OW)

  10. betrayalsurvivor1981 permalink

    BI2012, I’ve never met U but my heart BREAKS for U! U’re my daughter’s age. I’m NOT giving up on U & H! 🙂

    xo 1981

  11. I know very much how you feel!! the first while after finding out was HELL. Even though my husband stayed with us, he told me it was 95% because of the kids and I felt like I wanted to kill myself because I didn’t want to live without him. This mode that your husband is in is an AFFAIR FOG. He can’t think clearly and he can’t be there for you like you need. I remember crying on the floor and he couldn’t even touch me. So I did what you said you are trying to do. “I ate it”. I sucked it up and decided I’m going to show him why he fell in love with me in the first place. I took care of him and planned fun activities for the family. Made sure we spent every moment we could together. Not just watching tv, but making sure there were times of discussion. Look up “conversation starters for couples” to give you something other than the affair to talk about. You need to get to know each other again. BUT THERE HAS TO BE NO CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. Hopefully he is willing to do that. I will tell you that there was a time where I thought my life was over and the man I knew is gone. But he has come back to me!!!! He has come out of his FOG and we have been able to connect again. I don’t think you are crazy for staying with him. There is hope. Come visit me
    http://www.mrdarcycheated.blogspot.com

    • i dont have it in me anymore to be there for him.. i just dont.. i want to but its exhausting. Why should I fight for something and go thru this when it wasnt even worth it to him. I will get by the next few months or weeks and hope to get on my feet. I will hope my husband comes back to me. But, the prospect of starting a new life with my kids in double digits is starting to look appealing. I wanted to fight for us. I wanted to keep us together..
      But for what?? Im 32 yrs old, i still have a whole life to live and maybe like my husbands mother said, maybe we got married too young,. hope is in me, i just cant be the only one trying anymore

      • yes, you’re right. You can’t be the only one trying. He DOES need to put forth some sort of effort. He needs to at least be able to tell you that he wants to make it work and show that he is trying, even if it’s not a huge effort (because he is almost unable…in his state). But I agree that he does need to make an effort.

        I’m 31, a mother of 3 and got married to him when I was 19. I don’t believe the age in which a person gets married has anything to do with how the relationship works out, so don’t let your mother-in-law make excuses. But you need to do what is best for you. If he doesn’t treat you right, or put forth any effort, even after you have told him that that is a REQUIREMENT for you to be able to stay together, then the work you do isn’t going to really mean anything.

        I’m so sorry for you to go through this. I’m sorry for myself and for anyone else in the same position. Life isn’t fair. I’m angry that anyone could even consider such betrayal. And I’m angry at the trauma that we walk away with from someone else’s stupid decisions. 😦

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