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Meds don’t mean you’re weak

The holidays get me everytime. When you find out your husband was having an 8 month long affair on Christmas day, it changes your outlook on the holidays.. The anxiety of everything finally took me down. Five years since all this happened and I finally had to admit I couldnt carry his burden alone anymore.. Say hi to the newest member of the Zoloft club.. I thought for the longest time that taking meds meant I was weak. That I was weak because I couldn’t pull myself out of bed on my own.. I was weak when I would be in the car with my family and this overwhelming feeling of “I wanna go home” would come over me and so we all went home and I would crawl into bed and sleep. I listened to a friend who was going thru some totally unrelated stuff and she got on meds. She told me how much better she felt and how things were soo horrible but now she can handle them. All I could think is “I want that! I wanna be happy and make it thru the day without craving the safety of my bed”. So, I went to the doctor. I got depression and anxiety meds, and sleeping pills.. We went to dinner with another friend from work after I started the meds. She asked my daughter who joined us (she’s 15 now.. shes watched me fall apart).. My friend asked her if she has noticed a difference in me and my daughter was happy when she said yesss! … And like that I hated myself for taking soo long to admit I needed help. That these feelings in me I couldnt control and that it was okay to ask for help and take the medications.

This time of year is the hardest for me. A struggle everyday to just to look at everyone else happy enjoying the holidays while I wonder if my husband is cheating on me-again. I feel better prepared though. Hell, I just feel better.

I thanked my friend for sharing her story with me about her stress and anxiety and how she felt before meds compared to after. If she hadn’t, I would still be suffering. It was suffering. If you’re stuck, ask for help. I waited too long and lost five years. I mean dont get me wrong I functioned, but no where I shouldve been.. Don’t think that becuase you make it to work that means you can handle it on your own. Don’t think because you drag yourself out of bed it means you got this.. Im on the meds, and I dont have to convince myself anymore to face the day.. Im ready when I wake. Im almost excited to see what we can do and even more excited when I make it thru a day without wanting my bedroom..

Cyber hugs to all of you. You’re not alone. Ask for help and get your life back

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He say’s he loves me..

He texts me he loves me. He writes it on post its. I reply- if this is how you love, then I dont want it..My hearts been broken and rebroken and rebroken for five years now.. five… At some point I have to walk away. Saying you love me and treating me like you love me are two different things.. Words are just letters put together to make sounds, they mean nothing when actions dont match.. Maybe my bar is too high, but I know the man I married set that bar high. Why should I lower it now? I wanted so badly for this to work. He doesn’t think I’ll leave him.. When I get my raise, I guess we’ll both see where I stand with my life and how I see my future.. will I brave the divorce trail, or will stay pathetically involved with someone Im not even sure I know anymore? I hope the pay raise boosts my confidence in my efforts to strive to be a better me and gains enough self esteem to help walk away… I need an end to this journey already.. with or without him..

Sssooo Im NOT dying, I know.. I went to the doctor..

I thought I was dying.. maybe I have diabetes? or low blood pressure? maybe my heart is giving out on me.. 

I went to the doctor, who by the way, took a month to see me even tho I was convinced my heart was done and not pumping adequately…

I havent said it out loud. I havent told anyone what she said… 

Its been FOUR years since d-day..

 Ive been having these bouts of faintness, nausea, dizzy, like I was gonna die, super thirsty.. and ALL that would help was laying in bed closing my eyes and breathing.. sometimes I pass out, sometimes I just lay there til it passes.. Its happened at work,same symptoms just not soo debilitating, just like i wanted to faint and I need to lay down..
Four years and I finally went to the doctor scared I was gonna need MRI’s, and scans and blood work and she looked at me and said “How long have you been having anxiety attacks?” 

Wait what? Im tough. I made it thru this dammit.. He broke my heart and ripped me to shreds and I held it together.. Right? 

So she said you have anxiety and she asked since when and it all suddenly made sense. And tears streamed down my face as I sat there with a stranger, this doctor, trying to wrap my head around everything she said. I had to tell her why.. 

And then as she asked more questions, I think she insinuated that my husband causes my anxiety.. 

So she explains some more and I ask her “Is the come down from the anxiety, why I can sleep days away? Im just soo tired?”

She looked straight at me and said “You’re depressed.”

I see the commercials on tv and I wonder if maybe thats me or Im just exhausted from a long week.. And no, there she was, telling me as nicely as possible that I need counseling and if I want to try meds for the anxiety to help calm me. (I said no to the meds).

Four years.. And I havent been dying during these bouts of feeling like I was dying, I was having a full blown panic attack. 

And soo Ive spent the day with my kids and my brother laughing til my abs hurt and in the back of mind wondering if I hadnt stayed would this still be me? Am I depressed? It all makes sense.. Have I been denial?? 

So what now? I go to counseling…… and see if I can control this better.. I guess… 
Dont think cheating on a spouse doesnt hurt them. Dont think divorce is normal and everyone walks away fine.. This isnt fine. 

Its been awhile…

Well, I am at about 3 and a half years since D-day.. 

It has been one heck of an internal journey. It’s still a daily fight in my head over loving the man that I hate. 

Some days are easier to love him. Some days are better if I stay away. I have a thousand times more self control than from d-day. 

He recieved mail the other day, priority shipping.. A tiny envelope, addressed to him.. I put it down for a few minutes. He was at work.. And then I opened it. 

It was a passport. His passport. He knows I refuse to fly out of country. He knows I want nothing to do with our airport because that whore still works there. Her life unchanged unscathed unshattered, happily going about her life. No. I want nothing to do with it, and yet he got a passport.. Now, the passport doesnt really bother me, nor the traveling, because as all this has brought out is I truely have no control over my marriage or husband. I can only control my part and if he’s going to cheat again there is nothing I can do to prevent that.

What bothered me, what bothers me, is he didnt tell me. Work made him, and yes I believe that part. But, the not telling me bothers me. 

I am a huge advocate now of – if you can lie about the little things, than lying about big things is not a big deal still..

He says he forgot and maybe thats true. Maybe he knew the airport conversation would upset me. Maybe he wanted to spare me.. But if that were ever true he shouldnt have fucked a whore, huh?..

Have a good night, whoever takes the time to read about me. I hope on some weird level I can bring some solace to someone out there, because we are not alone in this horrible pain.

Be Prepared for the new you

I think that no matter what side of the cheating spectrum you’re on, you come out different. If you’re the cheater, something inside you changed, is changing, or something happened and the vows suddenly meant nothing and the person you thought you were is gone, because, without a thought for your spouse or family you became selfish and different and once that bridge is crossed there is no turning back. 

When you are the one cheated on, you come out different. You go thru an emotional change, this kind of “look at yourself and who am I” kind of questioning burning your brain..Am I someone who can forgive and stay and love the person that shattered my family? Am I a bitter person who holds on to the anger? Am I able to see past the hurt and look toward the future? 

I noticed today my passion is gone. I dont go to him when he comes home. I font look at him if I dont have to. Hell, I barely talk to him unless we’re on the phone. I changed. Im not sure for the better. I know now I dont need him, and for awhile I thought that meant Im stronger but now maybe Im just bitter? I wont ever trust again.

Once this horrible common thing happens to you, you will change. Whether you want to or not. You will see things differently, you will feel things differently, you prioritize differently… 

Change… 

Read this before you cheat. Because the ripple effect after, will last longer and go deeper than you could ever imagine. You dont get to lie to yourself and say no one will get hurt and the kids are young and wont understand..

I dont think there is full understanding of how infidelity can affect a person. The cheater and the person being cheated on.. and most of all the kids. My family was torn apart. My daughter is now thirteen and carries anger in her heart. I know this not because I am some bitter betrayed spouse, but because she has told me. I do my best to acknowledge her feelings and let her know thats ok. Its ok to still be angry. My son, my wonderfully tall 15 year old who yelled at his dad to stop being an asshole and just leave her(referring to me) alone.. And thats when my husband looked at me and asked if I was going to let him talk to him like that.. I told him thats not on me, thats on you, you dont want him to see you as an asshole then stop being one… My son hasnt had a girlfriend since all this started…
I remember before all this kissing my husband in the car and the kids laughing and saying eww.. I remember happy family outtings to the zoo and movies and talking in the car.I remember talking at dinner. I remember my daughter smiling ..
I dont think there is this full understanding of the ripple effect that occurs to so many people.

And the one thing that stands out the most-

The night I begged my parents to drop me off at home, I was in no mindset to drive, this was the day after dday.. I got out the truck and my dad got out with me. If you dont know my story, my mother cheated on him years ago, maybe going on 15 years now, and he stayed.. He told me- you know you dont have to do this.. It will never be the same…

And it hasnt. Everything is tainted. EVERYTHING..

I know the heartache my kids feel because thats what I felt when my parents went thru it and when we got married I told him he could never do that to me and to our family and he agreed and said he wouldnt and yet here we all are..

4 years later after dday and my kids associate Christmas with his affair. My daughter asked for a black Christmas tree this past Christmas, I obliged her with black wrapping paper instead. You have to remember he took her to meet his whore and my young beautiful daughter carried that weight for two weeks before it all came out, and now 4 years later it still pains her. I didnt drag my kids into this, he did.
I remember him saying I wasnt leaving the kids, I was leaving you. Really? How did you rationalize that when you werent going to be here tucking them in, eating dinner with us, waking up on holidays with us, going to school performances together, dropping then off at school,here to help with homework, and not being here in the middle of the night when one is sick cries for their dad…how did you rationalize that living with ur whore and her daughter was not leaving them? 

Telling someone you love them is a huge thing. Making a family together is even bigger. These little people watching our every move with hope that love is real and the world might be ugly but in the end love is real and families can be happy and marriage is not a joke that can be undone by a divorce. 

He took love away from them. I hated for so long after my mothers affair, I hated everyone. Boyfriends were just tools to buy me things. Dangling sex around as if I cared, but never fucked any of them. Just let them think there was chance and silly boys would buy me lunch and dinner and cd’s and gas for my car. Until I met the father of my son who was exactly what I thought love was- mean and abusive.. And I was okay with that until he was mean to my son, then I left…..But when I met my husband, the anger started to subside. He didnt buy ME things he bought my son things. He told me sweet things and I wondered if maybe this was love. sweet and gentle and caring. This wasnt sex it was making love. He let me feel loved and vulnerable and happy. 

And in an instant, in an email from his whore, he reminded me that love is not real. He ripped us all apart. And now acts like this is where he wants to be. 

If youre thinking about cheating…Ask yourself if youre willing to rip your family apart to finally decide if you really want them.Why do you have to shatter your spouse to finally say yes I want to be here? He killed me, and now says hes sorry and wants me. Why did it taking tearing his family apart to decide he wanted us afterall?

Feeling like a failure

Feeling really bummed lately. These passed few days have really hurt. Am I depressed? Im going to work, I smile while Im there. But maybe thats all fake. I feel like an alternate universe. I get home and I dont want to do anything. I want to be alone. This episode just feels worse than usual. I can usually get outta my head, but its more difficult this time..

I think work was my solace but with recent high stress at work Im not able to live like Im not broken. Feeling like a failure..